A kinder way…remembering you’re on the same team

How are you with conflict?

If you’re like most of my clients, you might be thinking:

“Urgh, I’m terrible at it.”

“I try to avoid it and hope things might get better.”

Sometimes words aren’t even necessary - I just see the scrunched-up face and scared eyes and the answer is clear. 

Although it’s a natural tendency for the brain to want to avoid anything it deems as threatening, conflict doesn’t have to be as hard as we make it out to be. 

Which is good news, since conflict comes up often as a result of us all just being our human selves in a world of 7 billion other people. Many of us can find ourselves in uncomfortable situations or disagreements quite frequently, whether that’s with colleagues, family members, friends…and especially and even internally, as our various “parts” that operate within each of us have different opinions [like the part of me that wants to write this post, and the part of me that wants to be having a nap!]

I love to get out my Sharpie marker in coaching sessions and sketch little drawings that may help provide a reframe or re-orientation to a situation.

When someone is in conflict to whatever degree, I draw these two pictures. I got this from my training with CRR Global on their Organisation and Relationship Systems Coaching (ORSC) approach, which focuses on coaching for groups, teams, couples, partnerships - or any aspect of being in relationship. 

The top drawing is often what conflict feels like (me VS the other person), whereas the bottom drawing offers an approach to remember that we’re in a relationship and can address the conflict as a unit.

Usually when there is conflict in a relationship, we see it as the top drawing - it’s as if the challenge, problem, or irritating behaviour is the thing that stands between two people (party A and party B). 

Think of butting heads, pushing against one another, or staring at each other across a battlefield and seeing the other person as the enemy.

The thing is…usually these people are often not our enemies at all! 

They’re our spouses, managers, kids, direct reports, clients, stakeholders - people who are technically “on our team”. 

People we love, or at least like and want to be well. 

People whose support we need, or vice versa. 

Which is then where the second drawing comes in handy. 

What if, rather than this challenge or difference being between you, you’re both looking at it together, out in front of you both? Reminding yourself that you see the issue one way, and the other person/party will see different things to you. 

Different things will be important to each of you.

There’s no one right truth, just different perspectives.

The dotted line can be a reminder that essentially, you’re looking at the issue together as a relationship (party A + party B), not as adversaries. And together, you can likely see more possibilities for alignment when you feel that you’re looking at the issue as a relationship entity (so as a leadership team, or as a couple, for instance).

A couple of considerations:

• Sometimes video calls can make this feel harder, because we often will be “face-to-face” across the screen. You might try to mentally imagine that you’re sitting beside the person, and visualise being “on the same side”.

• You might jot down what you think the other person’s perspective is, to tap into empathy. What’s important about this issue to them? What are they hopeful about? Worried about? What do they see that you don’t? What do they bring that’s valuable to the challenge? If you don’t know the answers, that’s great news! You can be curious and ask them to find out the answers.

• You can then go through those same questions for yourself/your perspective, for more clarity and to feel less emotive or reactive. 

• Perhaps in doing that you see opportunities where you are aligned, or where there’s overlap in what success would look like.

• A final note can then be about how you communicate this to the other person - emphasising that you have a sense of a shared connection, and want a positive outcome for the sake of you both.  You could use phrases like, “I see it like this…and now I’d love to hear how you view the situation because I value your thoughts” or “Tell me more about your perspective.”

I hope this is a useful tool for the next time you find yourself disagreeing with someone. The good news is that it starts with shifting your mindset (which is in your control!) and reminding yourself that you’re in this together. 

If you found this helpful, I’d love for you to share this post.

And if you have any questions, feel free to email me at meg@meglyons.com. I feel relationships are at the heart of everything we do and there are plenty of ways to strengthen the most important connections in our lives. I’d love to help you develop these muscles through my coaching/mentoring.