A Toolkit for Worry: Tip #1

Have you worried about something today?

The likelihood is yes - there is plenty in the world to be worried about. It might be about things we wonder if we did or didn’t do (“Did I actually press send on that email?”); people we care about (“I know my friend is going through a hard time”); traumatic events in the world that are well beyond our control but which make us feel sad, scared, and overwhelmed.

As humans, we worry. It’s part of our human design, a part of our brain structure that is there to keep us safe and alive. Some of us are prone to worry more than others. I’m sure we all know that person that seems to float through life, eternally upbeat and seemingly immune to the difficulties of the world. I am definitely not that person. But I have been working over the past 10 or so years to be less affected by worry and stress.

One strategy that has greatly helped me is acceptance. Allowing the worry to be there.

Before I learned about mindful self-compassion, I used to feel stressed about doing well at work. 

I didn’t want to feel the stress, so I stuffed those feelings down and tried to ignore them.

When I felt anxious about delivering a training, or ahead of a meeting, I’d feel worry, but then try to convince myself not to.

I told myself “You know what you’re doing. It will be fine!” while I could feel my sweaty armpits and racing heart.

I told myself, “What have you got to worry about? You’ve done this before. It will be fine!” while I felt sick to my stomach before a presentation.

I told myself, “It’s not life-saving surgery you’re doing; who cares if you do well or not? It will be fine!” while I stayed up late procrastinating in my preparation, losing out on valuable sleep.

A part of me kept trying to convince another part of me that it was ok.

But the “It will be fine!” messaging kept making the scared part of me feel unheard. Not listened to. Ignored. 

Now, I do things differently. When I feel worried or scared, I allow it to be. 

I have a variety of phrases to say to myself, including:

“I’m feeling worry,”

“Oh, worry’s here,”

“I notice I have a feeling of worry” or my favourite,

“Hi, worry…”

I acknowledge it as part of my human wiring. Of course I wish I didn’t feel it.

But wishing I didn’t feel stress, worry, nerves, and mild anxiety does not make it go away. What helps is to acknowledge it’s there, listen to what the worry is about, and respond in a way that is supportive - once and only after I’ve allowed it.  

I’m not suggesting wallowing and staying stuck with an unpleasant feeling, but we can only get mud off our boots once we realise and accept that the boots are muddy. 

Try it out next time you’ve got something that you’re worried about. I’d love to hear how it goes. Be kind to yourself because of this feeling. Not to make it go away, but because it’s a hard feeling to have.

Please share this if you found it helpful, and look out for more tips around this topic to come.