The Self-Talk Series: Part 1, Catching the “Can’t’s”

Set your self-talk up for success

How much attention do you pay to how you talk to yourself? Like, the actual words you use, when communicating with yourself?

Some of you will think, “Um, not sure what you mean…talk to myself?”

Some of you will think, “Yes, I know I talk to myself but I’m not sure what I say.”

Some of you will think, “I listen to myself all day long; my internal radio never switches off. And it drives me crazy!”

I’ve got a few posts this week related to self-talk, all of that internal chit-chat we have with ourselves throughout the day. 

Today’s focus is around noticing when you use the word “can’t” and how having a growth mindset may help you see different possibilities.

In my coaching sessions, I really listen to the words my clients use. One word that comes up a lot is “can’t”. 

When I hear the word “can’t”, I get curious. 

And then I usually also think of Dr. Carol Dweck, the woman whose work around fixed and growth mindsets informs much of my coaching approach. 

In her book Mindset, Dweck proposes that we can have one of two mindsets related to learning or changing our behavior: fixed and growth mindsets.

With a fixed mindset, we assume that skills and abilities are fixed and therefore unable to be developed. Phrases that might be a sign of a fixed mindset include:

“I’m not a good negotiator,” 

“I’m terrible at delegating,” or 

“I’m not great at networking.” 

On the flip side, with a growth mindset, we assume that skills and abilities can be learned and developed. It doesn’t mean it will be easy, but we assume we have the ability to learn and grow. Growth and change are possible. 

Phrases that are in line with a growth mindset could be: 

“I don’t know to negotiate yet, and I’m willing to take a first step to learn,” 

“I’m not yet as skilled as I want to be at delegating, and I’m willing to be a beginner to learn.”

“I don’t like networking yet, and I’m open to exploring what would make it easier.”

You’ll see I’ve put the word “yet” in bold - there’s a great talk by Carol Dweck called “The Power of Yet” which you can watch here. 

When I think of the difference between a fixed and growth mindset, the metaphor that always comes to mind for me is of a door. With a growth mindset, learning is similar to opening a door. If we go in assuming we can open the door, even if it starts out closed or only a tiny bit ajar, we can work to open the door.

With a fixed mindset, it’s like the door is firmly slammed in your face before you’ve even explored if you could open it! It’s like looking at the door and assuming there’s no way of opening it, even before you’ve turned the handle.

Having a growth mindset is so important for any kind of change to happen. It’s how you turn a “can’t” into a “can”. 

Sometimes we have to first notice that we’ve used the word “can’t” in the first place. Our thinking is so automatic and often we don’t really truly listen to the words we’re telling ourselves. 

As a first step this week, see if you can notice when you use the word “can’t”. Is it often, only occasionally, never? Be a detective of your language and try to catch the word “can’t” when you’ve thought it or said it out loud.

That may be plenty to focus on for now, but as a second step, once you’ve caught the “can’t”, you could try to challenge the thought. 

Some examples of this turnaround might look like these:

• “I can’t delegate this” could become “I wonder what would make it possible for me to delegate this?”

• “I can’t push back to my manager” could become “What would it be like to speak to my manager and say I need support?”

• “I can’t decline that meeting” could become “What would help me work with this scheduling challenge?”

Tomorrow I’ll look at another way of thinking about the word “can’t,” but for now I hope this gives you an experiment to try, to be a detective of your own internal self-talk. Language matters, so see if you can investigate whether your internal narratives are on your side or working against you. 

If this is helpful, please share and let me know how your experiment goes!