The Self-Talk Series: Part 2, What “Can’t” Really Means, and How to be Honest With Yourself

It’s part 2 of this Self-Talk Series, where I’m digging into looking at the language we use when we talk to ourselves, and how to be more aware of it to get it on your side. 

Yesterday we looked at the word “can’t” as it relates to fixed and growth mindsets, and considering how you could untrap yourself from a limitation that a fixed mindset gives you.

Today we’re continuing to look at “can’t” as it relates to choice, and to share a mindset reframe so that you can feel more in charge of your life. 

If you’re eager to know where we’re heading (spoiler alert!), the takeaway will be to notice when you say to yourself “I can’t” and turn that into “I’m choosing to [do the opposite]” - at least as an experiment to see what changes when you do this. 

So let’s dive in…

When you get asked to attend something you’d like to go to, but don’t have the money or the time allocated for, how do you respond?

My default response in the past would have tended to be, “I’d love to, but I can’t.”

[Actually, that’s not strictly true: my default response would have been to say, “Ok, sure! Count me in!” without even knowing anything about it or whether I really wanted to do it or not. For help with FOMO - see this post]

But in more recent history, I might have replied, “I’d love to, but I can’t.”

On the other side of the desire scale, if I get an invitation for something that I could in fact be available to attend, but I actually don’t really want to, I might in the past have said, “I’d love to, but I can’t.”

I’d argue that in both of these examples, I’m not being truthful. Or at least only partially truthful. 

If there is something I’d like to go to but don’t have the spare money or energy for, when I say “I can’t go”, what I really mean is that I’m not willing to use money or time that I’d previously allocated or am saving for something else, to use instead on this other offer. I probably could go, but if I did, there would be consequences. It might mean going into debt, or losing out on sleep/energy, or not doing something else in that slot.
In my “can’t”, I’m also saying that at least for now, I’m not willing to put the energy into going out and trying to earn the money that might make it easier for me to say yes with less drastic consequences. There’s an energetic cost to the yes, and I’m not willing to make it. 

In our world, most of us love shortcuts, so rather than saying to the offer, “I’m not going to choose to use my time or energy on that, so I decline,” and sounding like this pedantic fuddy-duddy who missed the grammar lesson where they taught us about contractions, we just say, “I can’t”. 

It’s a much shorter sentence! 

Or in the example where I actually don’t really want to go, to ease the potential discomfort that I fear that the other person might feel, saying “I can’t” makes it seem less personal. I create the sense of an existing obligation that implies that I’m not really being this selfish person who would choose my own company on my sofa watching Queer Eye over spending time with my friend. 

As I’m learning, in the land of shortcuts and long ways, it turns out that I’m someone who sees the value of the long way, at least as it relates to my self-talk.

When I’m in a phase where all these “I can’t’s” are tumbling out of my mouth, do you want to know how I feel? Very disempowered! 

So while “I can’t” is shorter, simpler, and perhaps more socially acceptable in all of our mainstream language, using it too much might make you feel stuck or trapped. 

And I want for you to be out of that cage! 

When I use the phrase, “I can’t”, I feel like I have no agency over my own life. I might feel time or money-poor, or that there’s a constant sense of never having enough time or money to do everything. Which is exactly where the beauty lies, because it’s the truth. 

I don’t, and will never have, enough time and money to do everything. 

Ever.

No matter how much I wish that weren’t the case, it’s the reality of living. 

In his book, Meditations for Mortals, Oliver Burkeman brings this up in Day 3, the chapter titled “You need only face the consequences.” He makes the point that if we can accept that when we make choices, there are consequences, then we’re more able to look honestly at those choices we make. We can get unstuck from the false idea that there is some other option that is a pain-free choice. 

And how does this relate to some of the challenges that show up in the world of work, that you might be feeling right now?

“I can’t leave my job” (because of understandably important valid consequences related to pay, health benefits, timings related to being able to display a current payslip or earnings)

“I can’t miss that meeting” (because of a potential result that you might not get some information that you otherwise would get by attending)

“I can’t tell my manager I’m overloaded” (because of a possible response that the other person could conclude that you’re incapable of doing the job)

We want to avoid these risks, so we use a shortcut and tell ourselves we can’t. 

So here’s my invitation. 

Next time you tell yourself you can’t do something - because of a valid fear or risk - see if you can turn the language into something that gives you more agency, at least in your own self-talk.

“I can’t” becomes “I’m choosing to [do the opposite]”.

For example, “I can’t leave my job right now” becomes “I’m choosing to stay in this job for now”

“I can’t decline that meeting” becomes “I’m choosing to accept this meeting even though it’s inconvenient”

“I can’t tell my manager I’m overloaded” becomes “I’m choosing not to share how I’m feeling with my manager” 

I’d call this a step 1 of being truthful with yourself, and to interrupt the disempowering messages we can all fall into a habit of telling ourselves. 

With this small change in your wording, I believe there’s freedom in clarity and in being emotionally honest, so I hope that you’ll try it out and notice what shifts when you use more empowering language with yourself.

One other thing to note: there are different sizes and levels of choices and consequences that we have as people with different levels of privilege in this wildly unfair and inequitable world we live in. Different degrees of impact, hardship of consequences, and levels of severity with choices. I acknowledge that, and wish it weren’t the case. And I do believe that this framing - this small shift in our wording - can give us more of a feeling of control, than if we feel helpless, stuck, and like we have no options.

And is this the end of the story? Definitely not, since there are ways through these uncomfortable and sometimes difficult processes of change. More to come on that, but in the meantime, just notice the “can’t’s” and consider a more honest approach with yourself. I hope it will shift something in the relationship you have with yourself, so that you feel more empowered and connected to your own autonomy, agency, and choices.

Ultimately this is about reminding yourself of your potential to get to a place where you feel happier and in touch with what helps you feel more in line with the life you want.

Please share if you found this helpful, and stay tuned for the next post in this Self-Talk Series, where we’ll look at breaking free from the tyranny of “I need to.”