The Self-Talk Series: Part 3, How to Break Up with Your Inner Drill Sergeant
Today’s Wednesday - a day which I’m enjoying even more since seeing Michael McIntyre’s comedy special, where he celebrates doing 25 years of stand up. I found it so hilarious, and kept rewinding to watch the jokes unfold again, to relive the mirth. I admire so much his genius ability to give life to inanimate objects.
There’s a segment called Silent Letter Day, and well, frankly, Wednesday is an example and I’m smiling just thinking about it.
My main intention for the year is to laugh more, and watching comedy is - unsurprisingly, really! - a great way to do this. What do you do to inject joy in your day? I’d love to hear.
Now, back to part 3 of this week’s Self-Talk series, where we’re looking at all the things we might be saying to ourselves that are getting in the way of our joy!
Today is a biggie. It comes in a few varieties:
“I need to”
“I must”
“I ought to”
“I have to”
“I should”
Essentially: a feeling of obligation.
My experience with this over many decades, and which I’ve significantly made changes with over the last 3 years or so, is that my inner narrative was like a little tyrant on my shoulder, constantly barking orders at me all day long.
While trying to concentrate on something important, a thought would ping into my mind, “Oh, I need to…” and then honestly, the litany of answers it could have been are pretty far-ranging, from
“Phone the dr to see what happened to those test results”
“Mail my friend a birthday card”
“Reply to Jason about next week’s training”
“Figure out what we’re doing at Easter”
“Edit the session plan for the workshop”
“Get in touch with Donna about that event”
“Go to the store for stuff for dinner”
“See if the magician is free for the upcoming birthday party” (or fill in the blank for whatever kids’ activity was going on - I will say that this list has reduced somewhat organically as my children have gotten older).
And on and on and on…”I need to,” “I must,” “I have to,” “I should”...
Are you hearing the ringing of those Bells of Familiarity? This is a systemic issue that crosses over from the workplace to the home, so if you’re a woman, you might be more prone to relate; and a parent/carer again, even more so. Research from the University of Bath found that mothers take on seven in ten (71%) of all household mental load tasks, and this article by the World Economic Forum is a good one about emotional labour in the workplace.
One of my favorite conversations on this topic is from the podcast We Can Do Hard Things, where Amanda talks about the mental “ticker” that runs through her head, like non-stop banner coverage of all the things to do. The episode is from 2021 but the image of the rolling ticker was so resonant. Anytime I hear myself say, “I need to…” I think of the ticker image.
The impact is big, in terms of everything from stress levels to the gender pay gap.
Now someone else might try to say there’s an issue with your scheduling system, or your planner, or your calendar, or your To Do list, or something else, but I’m not that person and I’m here to help work with your thoughts within a huge systemic and societal challenge that not one of us could or will solve on our own.
So here’s what I propose:
Reduce saying “I need to” or any of those other phrases that represent obligation (“should”, “must”, “ought to”).
Say “I need to” or “I should” less often.
[that’s what I’ve got] : )
A couple of considerations here:
Imagine you were sitting working beside a dear, trusted colleague, someone you really respect, trust, and value. It’s a nice workspace. Some nice plants, a good colour scheme, great natural light. Got that scene in your mind? Let’s call the other person Rosie because that’s the name that popped into my head. Would you, could you imagine, saying to that person, all day long, like dozens of time in the day, “Hey, Rosie, you need to…”. “Rosie, you must…” “Rosie, you have to…” The likelihood is - NO, you wouldn’t do that! Not at least if you want to keep Rosie as a colleague. It’d be annoying, right? That’s the effect of our own inner drill sergeant. If you wouldn’t do it to a friend, what makes it ok to do it to yourself?
When a phrase like “I must” or “I need to” comes into your head, pause and ask yourself, “Do I really? Do I really really?” Sometimes we have these ideas and they just don’t have to happen. What if you could drop some expectations of yourself? Equally, if there would be consequences you don’t want to face if the task or activity didn’t happen, consider if someone else could do it, or if you could get help with even part of it. Tiffany Dufu’s book Drop the Ball has some wonderful anecdotes to use as examples.
Understand what makes you think this is important. Someone recently said to me, “I must improve my accounting system this year.” Because I was formulating this post in my head, I asked her, “What would happen if you don’t?” Her answer was all about how she wanted to be emotionally freed up and less bogged down by stress and worry. Essentially, the reason for making a change moved from feeling like an obligation to being a wish or a desire.
And that’s the final point, which is to reword “I need to” into “I want to” (if you do, in fact, want to). I believe it will be more compelling if you can get that drill sergeant/task-master off your shoulder and do the things that you want and have the energy and motivation to do.
As a live example, I had a pesky thought this morning which was “I need to add more data and stats into my blog posts.” Old habits die hard! LOL.
I went through the above steps, which involved catching the thought, questioning it (no, I could live with the situation as is), understanding what would happen if I don’t do it (maybe something, maybe nothing!), working out what it would give me (it might make my writing more appealing to readers who like facts and figures) and ultimately arriving at a conclusion that “I’d like to add more data and stats to my blogs; and I’m not sure when I’ll make that change.”
That’s the process.
And I can say with 100% certainty I feel more motivated to add data to my blogs versus when I just told myself that “I need to.”
Bottom line: you can’t do everything. It’s not wise to try. What happens if you give yourself grace? To notice how often you give yourself an order? To pause to explore, question, and challenge that order?
I hope that’s helpful, and I’d love to hear how it goes as you practice these steps. I’ll be back tomorrow for part 4 - we’re heading to some positive self-talk so it’s clearer seas from here on out!