The Self-Talk Series: Part 4, How to Create Your Way to Enjoying a Challenge

The first thing to say here is that I hope you’ll read this post with a judgment-free mindset. 

Life and work, and the situations they throw up to us, can be so hard! 

I truly believe that it’s 1000% ok not to like everything in the world. We are each going to come at everything we do with our different mindsets, beliefs, lived experiences, neurological wiring, biologies and physiologies, and histories that make certain activities more enjoyable for us than other activities. It’s not fair or realistic to think all of us can like everything. 

And I have a reframe that might help if you feel you don’t currently enjoy something that you might want to or choose to do. 

Have you ever said:

I don’t like delegating

I don’t like networking

I don’t like negotiating

…or any of the hundreds of thousands of activities that there are in the world (project management, team sports, public speaking, giving feedback, being put on the spot, reading, budgeting, delivering performance reviews, asking for a raise, small talk, etc).

I believe that when we say we don’t like an activity, we really mean “I don’t like the feeling I currently have when I do [that activity].” 

If I tell myself that I don’t like something, I don’t tend to want to try to improve it. It kind of already has me turning up my nose, which is not the most receptive starting point to grow from. A bit like the way the smell of those stinky types of cheese is so off-putting that you can hardly imagine eating them.

With a little detective work, I think that a shift in perspective could help see that the feeling is temporary and not that you have to dismiss the whole activity altogether, which could open up a possibility to like the activity in the future. 

True fact about me: I love going to the dental hygienist. 

It wasn’t always this way, though. In my life I’ve probably had an average experience with my teeth - generally I’m mostly pleased with them (I’m grateful for having them, they help me eat), but there have been trials and tribulations, including cavities as a kid, braces as a teen and having a root canal when I lived in France and for which the anesthesia didn’t work. Not a fun time!

So like a lot of people, I would have probably said, “I don’t like going to the dentist.” Partly because it might have been painful, but mostly because it was exposing. Ahead of an appointment, I knew there were things I could have been doing to care for my teeth better and this appointment would usually be a reminder that I was not meeting mine or other people’s expectations. 

Rather than “I don’t like going to the dentist,” what I really meant was, “I don’t like how I feel ahead of going to the dentist.” I anticipated disappointment, shame, and unmet expectations - and that was enough to have me cringe at the idea. 

All of this changed five years ago when I started flossing my teeth daily.  Now, I see the hygienist and she is thrilled with my commitment to flossing. The visit takes less time, it’s less painful, and I come away feeling good because I’ve honoured my health. I feel rewarded by the visit. 

I’m actually serious when I say, I look forward to going! 

Next time you’re encountering an activity that has you scrunch up your face in anticipation, here are several of my mindset tips to activate:

• Notice the feeling. When I think of this activity, how do I feel? If you’re not sure, you can use an emotions wheel to get specific to label the emotion. Is it trepidation, uncertainty, dread, apathy…? See if you can identify what the emotional under-current is. 

• From there, allow it to be. We often want to push it away, but it can just be helpful to say, “Yes, this is an activity that many people all over the world would also feel uncomfortable about. I’m not alone.” 

• You can ask yourself, What would my worst-case scenario be? What would the best-case be? Do I feel closer to my worst-case or best-case scenario? Sometimes simplify clarifying a fear, and allowing yourself to consider how realistic that is, can be helpful. Likewise, getting clear on your ideal dream scenario can get you excited about possibilities. Maybe you realise you’re somewhere in the middle; even that’s something to celebrate to know that your worst fear is likely unfounded.

• The next step is to ask yourself some questions that put you in the driver’s seat to plan for a different reality than the one you’re currently experiencing emotionally:

• How could I make this more enjoyable?

• What would it take for me to like this?

• Can I let myself imagine a world where I would like this activity? Or fill in the blank: I would like this activity if…

Maybe you decide to go to networking events with a friend, so you have a buddy to stick with for moral support. 

Maybe you imagine yourself delivering a difficult message using cards like in that scene in Love, Actually to bring some lightheartedness to the situation in your own mind. 

Maybe you identify some steps to do or practice ahead of time so that you can then relax in the moment and be present. In my example with the dental hygienist, committing to flossing every day meant that I was taking action to support a future visit to be better. 

Often the feeling of confidence comes once we’ve proven to ourselves that the event is not as threatening as we initially feared. Or, as various folks have shared, we get the confidence from and after having taken action. My favorite video on this is by Dan Sullivan and Russ Harris also talks about this in his book, The Confidence Gap. 

As I said at the beginning there may be things you don’t enjoy, but starting off with that negative mindset is likely to leave you in a spin cycle of avoidance and overcoming resistance that might be more painful than it has to be. 

And if you ultimately decide there are things you don’t enjoy that are part of your role description, “yes/and” wording might be useful: “I don’t like giving performance reviews, and it’s part of my role as a leader so I do it anyway.” 

Over time, if you can create the conditions that help the situation be more pleasant in your mind’s eye, your actions and behaviours might line up so that the overall effect is something you feel happier about. Or even look forward to. Like a good smelly cheese!

Have you had an example of this? I’d love to hear stories where a shift in mindset has helped you. Feel free to message me at meg@meglyons.com to share.